Tucker Carlson Defends the Aliens—Extraterrestrial Ones

The radical left’s panties are in a twist over the hordes of extraterrestrial aliens who—primarily based on little greater than wild hypothesis from quack scientists and so-called Pentagon movies—they declare will kill us all of their ravenous hunt all through the galaxy for vitality sources. (Cocks head quizzically.) Huh. I assume extraterrestrials are anthropomorphically cute as long as they fill the coffers of liberal billionaire filmmaker Steven Spielberg and his shadowy cabal of world financiers.

Before you cower in your bunker, ask your self just a few questions. (Squints in constipated bafflement.) Has an extraterrestrial alien ever gotten into faculty over your extra certified youngster? Are extraterrestrial aliens gouging you on the gasoline pump? Has an extraterrestrial alien tried to sue you for sexual harassment over a well mannered invitation to take pleasure in just a few glasses of champagne whereas viewing your non-public bow-tie assortment?

No. The extraterrestrials have little interest in formal schooling, having already absorbed all our information by means of processes we don’t but perceive; they gas their spaceships not with oil however with animal organs; and, as intrepid guests from one other photo voltaic system, they reject our nation’s prevailing “victim” mentality. In truth, till seven hours in the past, when a fleet of thirty-two thousand spacecraft repelled each nation’s protection system and concurrently landed in 200 and fifty-six equidistant places across the globe, an extraterrestrial alien had by no means even set foot on Earth, not to mention dug up an outdated picture that the woke police now deem racist, displaying you in costume for an “Antebellum South” get together you attended approach again within the late twenty-tens.

You understand it, I do know it, and Joe Biden is aware of it—assuming his advisers thought it was price interrupting his afternoon nap. (Chortles uncontrollably for longer than any individual would when telling a joke that he’s already rehearsed 3 times.) So why does the warmongering left insist we get drawn right into a bloody battle with extraterrestrial aliens who’re merely creating impenetrable domes round our economically and morally bankrupt cities—domes that many individuals, by the way, consider would assist with local weather change, assuming it really existed?

Hmm . . . I’m wondering if all this panic over extraterrestrial aliens is supposed to distract Americans’ consideration from the very terrestrial aliens who’re pouring throughout our open borders, pushing hardworking residents out of jobs in manufacturing, farming, and Nascar driving.

Everyone agrees the aliens possess superior laser-beam know-how, however rational individuals perceive that it’s not something to fret about. Yet, within the alarmist mainstream media, all you see is laser-beam panic. These stunning beams of blinding white mild have been used for nothing aside from the worldwide vaporization of salamanders. You heard me proper: salamanders. (Smirks like a preppie in a nineteen-eighties film as he humiliates the working-class protagonist earlier than yelling at his unexpectedly kindhearted blond girlfriend to get in his crimson convertible.) The Democrats would have you ever consider that this was a warning shot, an indication of the aliens’ superior would possibly. The Democrats would additionally have you ever consider that they’ve at all times cared so, so deeply about salamanders. (Furrows forehead to pantomime the fictional notion of empathy.) “Oh, the poor salamanders, we must protect them at all costs and send our sons off to die in the Great Salamander War.” (Scowls as an old-money scion would upon being advised that his nation membership will probably be pressured to combine.) Salamanders are slimy, repulsive amphibians. They haven’t any place in a good society. Salamanders are an enormous pest to anybody who owns a house in rural America—actual Americans, that’s, with two center names, who attended non-public faculty in San Diego. The aliens did us an enormous favor by taking pictures a thirteen-mile-wide laser beam in Rio de Janeiro that branched out into a number of billion rhizomatic tentacles that instantaneously decreased each salamander on Earth to a wisp of smoke. Maybe as a substitute of declaring loss of life to the aliens we ought to be writing them a thank-you be aware for saving us a name to the salamander exterminator.

The alien “invasion” is solely a pretext for a authorities invasion. First, they made you placed on a pointless masks, then they pressured you to get a harmful vaccine, and now they’re mandating a ridiculous curfew, for the reason that laser-beam tentacles are efficient solely after sunset. I don’t learn about you, however I’d fairly reside below Xikon V’s intergalactic rule than Joe Biden’s early-bird-special tyranny. At least the previous is a robust chief who understands {that a} nation will get forward by means of blue-collar grit, household values, and creating an environment friendly laser-beam-tentacle-to-organ-harvesting-cauldron pipeline.

I’m being given the sign that it’s time to wrap up by my new producer, Zarg. Long reside Xikon V. See you subsequent time on “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” the present that’s the sworn enemy of mendacity, pomposity, smugness, and groupthink. (Impressively manages to ship catchphrase with a straight face.) ♦

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