One reader confides in Daily Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan after finding out her husband of 15 years has been repeatedly lying to her
Image: Getty Images/Image Source)
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two young children together, as well as a child each from our previous marriages.
Recently, I discovered that he’d been cheating on me with a younger woman who works in a local bar. I was angry and hurt, but for the sake of our kids, I told him I’d try to move on because they don’t deserve their family to be ripped apart and they’re all very close to each other.
At the time I thought this was a one-off, but I’ve since found out that he’s had several other affairs during our marriage.
One of these women got in touch with me to tell me and it’s clear she still has a grudge against my husband and wants to blow up his life.
He tried to deny these affairs at first, but in the end he couldn’t and had to come clean.
He’s begging me to go to therapy with him to work it out, but I don’t know if I can. I was prepared to forgive one affair, but he’s been lying to me for years. What should I do?
I actually think you should go to therapy, not necessarily to save the marriage, but so you can tell him exactly how you feel in a controlled environment. He will have to sit and listen to you and provide some kind of explanation himself.
You may come to the conclusion that you can’t go back or trust him again, but it can be a calmer way of reaching this decision.
Therapy really helped me to get over the confusion I felt when my first marriage was in crisis. It helped me think more logically instead of emotionally, and I came to accept I could still love him, but couldn’t trust him and therefore I couldn’t stay married to him. The penny really dropped.
If you decide it is over, then at least you know you tried therapy and did everything you could.
Equally, it’s important to give therapy time – don’t expect everything to make sense the first time you go. It’s a process, so don’t give up on it.
It will help you as an individual, too, as well as navigating you through this marriage crisis.