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Half-Lobster Scientist Just Going To Hope Coworkers Don’t Notice He Had Mishap With CRISPR


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BERKELEY, CA—Admitting he felt self-conscious following a office accident involving the extremely experimental gene-editing know-how, a neighborhood half-lobster scientist advised reporters Friday he would simply need to hope his coworkers didn’t discover his CRISPR mishap. “The main thing I need to do is make sure I don’t slip up and try to shake someone’s hand, because that would be a dead giveaway,” stated University of California, Berkeley, microbiologist Steven Lipstadt, utilizing his gigantic claws to placed on a novelty sombrero he had bought on his lunch break so as to cover the lengthy antennae projecting outward from his head. “Luckily my lab coat covers up quite a bit of my tail, so as long as I stay behind my desk, no one should notice that. Maybe people will see my protruding crimson rostrum and think I just have a cold or something? Ugh. If anyone notices I look a little different today, I’ll tell them I got a haircut. I just hope nobody here has a shellfish allergy.” At press time, Lipstadt was reportedly apprehensive the nighttime cleansing employees would uncover the half-human lobster he had been pressured to smother with a sofa cushion and stuff right into a trash can.



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